Steve Guttenberg for Celtic manager

By: Matt | August 2nd, 2008

Originally, this post was to be more thoughts about yesterday’s lackluster performance against Tottenham, but really what is there to say? “Hey, remember that one shot Celtic had by Massimo Donati yesterday? Yeah, me too.” Instead, this post will be dedicated to the Disney Soccer movie “The Big Green”. A soccer related post about a team in green? As Mills Lane would say, “I’ll allow it!” Flipping through the tv today, I came across this gem of the 90’s by the Disney Corportaion. Steve Guttenberg, the catcher from “The Sandlot”, and some attractive British women star in the film. The premise of the movie simple and sweet. A ragtag bunch of kids in *ahem* rural Texas get a new British teacher who teaches them the joys of “football” but unfortunately for our fit ex-pat, the team, which call themselves “The Big Green”, stinks. Steve Guttenberg plays the comic relief of sorts as the goofy deputy who is somehow involved with the team yet I never really understood why the town’s deputy can hang out all day at a school. Guttenberg’s character immediately falls for the teacher and sees this confusing game of “sock-er” as a way to woo her. At some point a ringer from Mexico comes, the team improves, and eventually beats their rivals from the big city in the Championship game. You laugh, you cry, and you are ready to put on your boots and have a kick around. You might be saying, “Matt, this sounds an awfully lot like ‘The Mighty Ducks’ series of movies!” to which I respond, “Yes, it does!” However, I am not a movie critic, so I decided to focus on the soccer aspects of the movie…

…Christ almighty, if this is any indication of the youth soccer program in Texas, then be prepared for more terrible performances in the World Cup, America. One of the running gags of the movie is that the goalie of The Big Green is afraid of the opposing team and sees them as monsters or pirates or ninjas or you get the idea. In the movie, they cut to a fog filled field with the team of monsters-du-jour coming at the goal without a defender in sight and the goalie shitting himself. Well no shit the goalie is going to be terrified of the other team when it seems every game they have a 6 on 0 break towards the goal. Where the fuck is the defense?

The goalie of The Big Green is not the only keeper with issues. It seems every goal that The Big Green net is on a break where, most often the young Mexican lad, is alone on goal and finishes. Except Kenny Miller would be able to finish these goals as the keeper NEVER COMES OFF HIS LINE! You mean a 8-14 year old is not able to cover the goal post to post? “Well gollie gee paw, I saw them coming and thought they’d shoot it right at me. Who’da thunk they’d go to the bottom corner…again?”

Even the proverbial “superior team who loses to the up and comers” do not escape my wrath. While it is no surprise the head coach of this team, the “Knights”, is an arrogant prick, I must call into question his coaching philosophies. Both times The Big Green play the Knights, the Knights only seem to be doing jumping jacks as warm ups. Nary a ball being kicked on screen, no sprints or stretches seen. I can just imagine a Knights practice. “All right boys, good game yesterday. The defense played well, and the midfield and strikers really passed well and finished confidently. However, I think our set pieces need a little work. You know what to do boys, jumping jacks for an hour.”

While the arrogant prick coach of the Knights talked to the Dutch about his youth training methods, Steve Guttenberg’s character goes from “throwball” has been who is just perplexed by this strange black and white round ball to Sir Alex Ferguson in about an hour and a half. Guttenberg’s coaching skills are clearly shown with such team talks as “Alright, now if they have three defenders on Juan then that means two people are open!” Genius Steve! Steve McLaren on line one for you. Not only that, but Guttenberg really shines when Juan the Mexican ringer has some immigration trouble. Apparently deputies of Texas towns can fix your immigration problems pretty easily. Coaching soccer, solving America’s immigration problem, what can’t Steve Guttenberg do? These skills show why Steve Guttenberg should be the next coach of Celtic FC.